maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
