it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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