He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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