the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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