I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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