I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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