I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
