Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
