I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
