They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
