Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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