I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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