Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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