I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
