ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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