She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
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alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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