I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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