like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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