It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
