I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
