that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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