i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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