When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
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i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
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Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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