How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
