Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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