i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
