1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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