They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
