Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
