My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
