So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
