I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
