Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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