the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
