At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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