My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
