if you like me you must not know who I am
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
