Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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