It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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