remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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