im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
How's work?
Spinning.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
