it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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