I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
