My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
