Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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