Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
