just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
