I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
