youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
