I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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