HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
