My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
