Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
