a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
