My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
