You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
