She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
