Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
