The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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