this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
