When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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