my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
