Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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