how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
